Fathers

I've got a year of fathering under my belt, and I have a few observations to share.  I meant to post this around Father's Day, but you know how life gets sometimes.

Here we go:

--Fathering can be easy, but it shouldn't be.  Like most things in life, experiences with the most value come with a lot of hard work.  It means stepping away from what you want to be doing, to do what's best for your child.  Often, the challenge isn't contending with the extra responsibilities...after all, it can be a lot of fun.  The real burden is giving up a part of your own life for your child's sake.  What you will learn is that spending time with your child is good for more than just your child.

--Most fathers I know are engaged with their children's lives.  Some not as much.  While this is distressing, I can see why it happens.  As I said above, fathers can often get off easy, if they want to.  I suppose many men see the benefits of  spending time with their kids as less tangible than other ways to spend time.  Many men, myself included, tend to work in easy equations...2+2=4.  With kids, the benefits of spending time with them are emotional, dynamic and long term....extremely difficult math.

--Being a father gives me a new appreciation for my own father.  I suppose I knew that was coming....life always works that way.

--I'm sad birth fathers, in many cases, don't hold the same place in the life of adopted children as their mothers do.  Certainly there is little to be done about this, but I mourn the reality none-the-less.

I'm not trying to get down on dads.  There are a lot of great ones out there...LOTS.  I don't pretend to be one of them.  Most days it's easier to find my faults than my successes.

I just want to make sure all dads are at least trying.  If you're not, you don't know what you're missing.

-Kyle

Feeling better

 

T seems to be back to his usual silly self these days.  We're so glad.  I've upped the amount I hold him and gone back to some of the attachment games we used to play.  I'm also adding some new ones - I'm currently reading Parenting You Internationally Adopted Child, by Patty Cogen.  I'm not finished with it yet, but so far it's my favorite book dealing with the subject of attachment.  Cogen's writing style is easy to read and she gives really great explanations of how adoption can affect a child throughout different stages in their life, and relates these experiences to child development and brain development research.  She illustrates some of the different responses children have to adoption by following 4 fictional children (composites of the many children she's worked with).  She offers concrete activities to do at home to help foster a stronger connection with your child.  I feel a bit like I have my very own therapist in a book.  My only wish was that I'd read it before we brought T home.

One idea I have found particularly useful is her "3-picture story".  A detailed life book is important, but also still not finished at our house.  The 3-picture story, on the other hand, is really fast to create and very accessible for T to begin to understand and discuss the changes he's been through.  On one page, we have photos of:  T held by his birth mother, T in a group with his foster family and Kyle and I, and T with just Kyle and I.  This page has everything we need to show him (1) he was born to his birth mother, (2) he went to live with his foster family, who then gave him to us (the middle picture should be the actual transition to his new family), and (3)  we're his mom and dad and he can live with us until he's as old as grandma and grandpa (hopefully not literally, but you get the idea).  Cogen goes into detail about  how to discuss his story with him and what some of the common worries are for adopted children that they may not have the ability to ask yet. 

I think it's safe to say we're all feeling a little better now.  We ended up not doing anything to celebrate Family Day this last week.  We weren't sure which day to pick (meeting him?  taking custody?  the board meeting?  coming home?) and with his mood, we thought maybe celebrating when the adoption was final in Wisconsin (February) might be a better choice for us, at least this year, since it's not as coupled with his loses.  I can't believe it's been a whole year.  I'm so proud of my little man.

"Airplane, Thailand?"

Leaving Thailand, June 2008

IRL

Through the last few years of blogging, we've made some internet friends who have adopted from Thailand. Usually, we don't have the chance to meet and become friends "in real life".  But back when we were 1st starting the adoption process,  Hannah and Sam were nice enough to meet with us and answer a bazillion questions (like, what goes in a diaper bag, anyway?) before we even got T's referral.  Today we had the pleasure of hanging out with them AND a Holt family we already felt like we knew - Tracy and Joel.  We're used to a one-(albeit rambunctious) kid house, so it was fun to watch all the kids run and play together.  It was even more fun to chat with Tracy and Hannah over Chicago-style pizza.  I wish that we all lived a bit closer.  We're so grateful to Tracy and Joel and their lovely family for taking time in their vacation schedule to hang out with us! =)

And I have to give a shout-out for Tracy's awesome flip flops.  Super comfy and way cuter than the (ahem) 15-year old pair I was wearing.  (At what age am I supposed to get rid of the stuff I wore in high school?)  Thanks, Tracy!

-Robin

But not every moment is a struggle

Some T cuties so I can remind myself there's a happy boy in there, too...

(on waking)
"Hi Mama. Hi Punkin. Hi blanket. Hi knee."

Pointing to a train - "Potty Train!"

"T happy. Mama happy. Daddy happy. Angie happy. Kisa happy. Courtney happy. Grandma happy. Grandpa happy..."

Biological clock?

I think T may have an internal calendar that is telling him he separated from his foster family, was placed with total strangers, and lost the whole world he knew about one year ago.  I've read that this happens but was honestly a little skeptical.  He's 2.  Thailand has different seasons.  He doesn't even understand tomorrow or next week.  And yet, the last week has been a big ugly slide backwards for us.

I've noticed he has regressed to using a lot of baby talk.  He's extra clingy, like he was maybe 9 months ago.  He's on a hair trigger for tantrums.  His tantrums are nonsensical:

T:  Rock! (pointing at T-sized rocking chair)

Me:  OK, you can sit on your rocking chair.

T:  NO ROCK!!  NO!!!

Me:  That's fine.  You don't have to rock.  Let's go read a book.

T:  ROCK!!  WANT ROCK!!!!  (sobbing)

Me:  OK, it's right here.  Let me help you sit on it.

T:  NO.  NO WANT ROCK!!!  (throwing himself to the floor)

(on and on all day, over just ever subject you can imagine)

Nothing soothes him.  He pushes me away when I try to hold him, which he hasn't done in a long time.  His eating is finickier.  He's sleeping more.  He doesn't seem to be in any pain or getting teeth.  All of his behaviors really make me think it's very attachment related.  He's mostly charming when we have visitors.

So I'm sticking to my theory that his heart can feel it's been almost a year since the changes no little one should have to face.

-Robin

How we learned to pronounce our son's name correctly, part 2

We thought we had this figured out back in January of last year. The Thai waitress at our favorite restaurant spent a lot of time helping us learn to say T's name correctly in Thai. (It's not pronounced as it appears.)

Today, we were lucky to be invited to the Thai American Association picnic. There is good news and bad news.

The good news: We had a blast and met a lot of really nice Thai families. We also ate our fill of amazing Thai food.

The bad news: Everyone we introduced T to pronounced his name differently than we do (but the same as each other). They all recognized the name and knew the meaning right away (some even shot an imaginary arrow from an invisible bow to demonstrate).

It is kind of embarrassing to have 20 people all correct the pronunciation of your kid's name. Although, in Thai fashion, everyone was extremely gracious and no one actually told us we were wrong. But it was clear. Our non-Thai friends heard it too.

I assume our waitress friend must have a different accent or dialect. In all honesty, our social worker in Thailand also used the alternate pronunciation, but at the time, I assumed *she* was the one with the different accent. We even listened to an online dictionary say his name in Thai about 50 times tonight. To my ear, the dictionary-voice is somewhere in the middle between the 2 pronunciations.

So now my only question is, how long will it take me to remember to say his name correctly? T is totally fine with the change - we used it once or twice and now he's already referring to himself with the new sound, as if to say, "what took you guys so long to get with the program?" (Although perhaps he's just confused, because our little comedian is also telling us his name is "Jim" and "Chicken", with a sly, satisfied smile on his face.)

In the long run, the new pronunciation will be easier for people, as it sounds a lot more like how it's spelled. I feel a little silly, but I'm glad to be able to make the correction when he's only two.

T is for Two

Warning - picture-heavy post for the grandparents ahead.

We celebrated T's birthday today. We can't quite believe our little guy is two. Since he was still living with his foster family on his first birthday, today was extra special for us. I keep pinching myself at how lucky I feel that we adopted our amazing T. I am sure his birth mom was thinking of him today. I hope she knows how much he's loved.

Last night as T was being extra difficult, we realized that, due to the time difference between us and Thailand, he had actually hit the terrible 2's 12 hours early.

After hearing stories of what his birthday would entail, he woke this morning and the first words out of his mouth were a request to eat cake for breakfast. No dice there, but we did let him wear his shades during lunch, which, for some reason, he thought was the best. thing. ever.

A delicious Thai lunch was followed by an elephant-shaped chocolate banana cake. Unfortunately, T's enthusiasm for chocolate cake was overshadowed by his apparent fear of candles and the Happy Birthday song. After cake (and a much needed nap) the real fun began. The mailman brought him a package of cookies from Grandma Cookie.

He played with his spoils, including a play kitchen that I think may actually allow us to cook meals uninterrupted, and the coolest. non-bike. ever. My dad designed and made it in the space of a week (or two?). T has already managed to use it unassisted, and I think we're going to have to drag him off of it kicking and screaming once he grows another half inch. I wish *I* was the one turning two. What fun!

T is now taking orders for dinner. Call to make reservations.-Robin